'NU-PUNK' IS SHIT

THE TIME HAS COME.
I think its about time that the myth of this 'nu punk scene' was put to rest. its been a couple of years now and the mainstream music press has got the type of co-oprative nice young chaps they longed for during the 70's and 80's, and its all thanks to a huge effort of brain power by the record label owning fat old cigar chomping businessmen who sit at large oak tables and decide what the public are going to be into next, despite them all having musical tastes that get about as modern as perry como. the fact that many of these fat fuckers are rascist has been a great help to them. after all, coming home from work only to find your child dancing in the mirror to dr dre's 'da cronic' isnt what they had in mind when they watched their darlings enter this world kicking and screaming.
the metal route was tried initally to get the majority of the (white) record buying public back. but again coming home to their daughters only to see them marvelling over the size of tommy lee's knob on the internet didnt help. so they tried swamping us with boy and girl groups, but as we know, only one in twenty makes it (and thats too much) and even the likes of 'x-tina' (please) and britney 'queen of trailer trash' spears and her under age virgin 'but gagging for it' sex image was not enough (suprise suprise), still their children were coming home in bandannas and backward baseball caps, swinging their arms in 'gangsta' styles and asking the maids to make them "chicken and curried goat bitch", and greeting mum on her way back from a 'bloomingtons' shop with the greeting "yo mumma ho". something had to be done.
It wasnt long (only 15 years!!) before a music mogul, probally at that weird place where the rich go to get drunk, piss against trees and worship round an owl at a secret holiday camp that the idea was hatched to get the white kids back from the brink of popping a cap up a niggaz ass and becoming crack dealers, to re-sell them back what was seen by some as theirs anyway, i.e, punk.
but not those dangerous anarchy groups, oh no, nor the likes of those 'skinhead' thugs and brutes such as that scary agnostic front and those frightful dropkick murphys or that rough english 'cocker-spaniel' group and those style of bands either. oh no that wouldnt do at all, no no. instead a leaf was taken from the pages of the 70's british music biz, and as we know, their tactic was to flood the market with 'new wave' punk for beginners. but this time, in true american democratic style the scene they were creating was going to be controlled by them completely,
"none of that 'red' artistic freedom here buddy, we aint havin no reds in OR under our cozy little bed, do you 'git' that boy?" "yes sir", and so wearily (for us) on it goes, again and again.
first they had to find the bands, that wasnt hard, after all what unknown band is going to say no to a major label deal and the promise of magazine covers and world wide press? and of course, the promise of overnight fame? and all this is for doing almost next to nothing as yet to boot! before long the roster of nu-punk bands had magically grown, and apart from the odd giveaway t-shirt worn in a video, magazines toed the line that this new wave of bands had come along and breathed life into a scene that had its last breath 30 years ago.
the fact that they all sound exactly the same is put down to the bands all being members of the the 'nu-punk' vangaurd, (or coincidience) obviously, dummy. and the green day sound-a-like style? its now so done to death that even green day have started to not sound like green day anymore. although as is obvious from any of the gigs or videos of these bands playing live, green days stage moves have been studied throroughly and copied with the sweaty determination of the 'kids from fame' live stageshow.
the punk credentials of these bands can be seen by the way they have their photos taken standing next to the likes of reenie (not)welzegger and co at events like the 'givenchy' awards, film premiers and other 'star studded' events, and appearing in rags like the nation-anally enquired having them and their girlfriends clothes being marked out of 10 for their fashion sense compaired to the co-photoed 'stars' like that sarah jessica parker and the likes of julia roberts.
But saying all that, probally one of the most ridiculous looking sods from these bands is the bloke from blimp 911 (i think thats their proper name !) and his oversized bottom lip ring, its so big and heavy that in profile you can see the ring pulling at his poor lip so hard that it looks like its given up and flopped (or maybe he trains it to hang that way by dangleing a house brick from it at the gym) , then there's his over sized baseball hats, (or does he have a small head?) and racing flag tattoos that look like they're fading already to a grey blob. the man looks like a school book drawing of a jokey punk. plus, he's so......clean.
And while im at it why were/are offspring ever called punk? im not just talking about their recent records, i have their first lp and thats just as bad, if they are trying to be ironic then they only succeed in looking moronic. and then theres sum 27 or what ever they are called, they are not even worthy of further comment. of the other bands of that scene i am telling them to go away because they are stifling the genuinly great punk music being made in the u.s.a and the british isles. there has always been a ground swell of bands that has kept punk going along quite happily without this bogus stuff for some years now thank you, and im sure your flash in the bog -pan 'scene' will be yesterdays recycled toilet roll while the proper bands carry on, of that i have no doubt, leaving daddy wanker bros with a huge pile of unsold guff 'punk' shit blocking up the warehouses for years to come.