WHATS THAT SMELL?

WHATS THAT SMELL?...ITS THE AUDIENCE!

I was looking through gig guide last week when i noticed that there was three gigs i would of liked to have gone to but i couldn't make up my mind, after some time debating t over in my mind i hit on the perfect way to decide what one to go to, i would use the 'smell test'.
The smell test was thought up originally some years ago after one of the first 're-formed' gigs by the SUB-HUMANS. Entering the venue that night was shocking, the smell was terrible, even the sweat which was running down the walls smelt horrid, as for the crowd... To touch anyone or anything was to risk being covered in the acrid odour, it stank so bad me and those i was with had to leave the gig and the SUB-HUMANS had only been on for ten minutes.
So 'armed' with the 'smell test' i lined up the bands and compared them. First up was Polish band DEZERTER, this band seem like the sort that would attract gentlemen of crust and would probably have a strong nasal resemblance to the SUB-HUMANS.
Second was M.D.C, AGNOSTIC FRONT and others... M.D.C i could imagine would carry the same audience signature smell as DEZERTER maybe even more so, while AGNOSTIC FRONT were t-shirt off sweaty mosh pit types, HENRY GARFIELD...sorry, 'ROLLINS' (hee hee) once said their audience should all "get a room", so the smell there would be a combined mix of excited male hormones and unwashed crust -not nice!
And third, CHAZ AND DAVE (no honestly, i laughed as well until i saw them at one of the 'holidays in the sun' beano's and they were good, they have a DR FEELGOOD/ EDDIE AND THE HOT RODS kind of sound. not like their chart records at all, i was very surprised) now what would their gig smell like? it wasn't hard to guess, i imagined that it would smell of cheap duty free tobacco and warm beer, much like an old mans pub toilet.
After all those stomach turning thoughts decided that it would be better for my health if i stayed at home and wallowed in front of the TV and surrounded myself in my own stench, at least i can stand that.
Stuck trying to decide where t go for a night out?? then why not try the non-patented ZERO HOUR smell test? With the 'smell test' you can choose where you want your nose to lead you next, and the best thing is... noses come free!!!!!!!!!!!